刀剑ol和刀剑英雄:重金悬赏改错 (我的翻译,请逐条指出)

Abstract:
Along with the development of computer technology, family financial management becomes more and more scientific（改为）has begun to take on more scientific quality）. The family financial management system (FFMS) is a（用an） info-management system with strong practicability based on Active Server page (ASP) 和ACCESS database technology. The exploration(exploitation) of this system breaks through(改为breaks free from) the traditional financial management mode,（句子之间缺乏连接手段，建议改为Breaking free from …, this system has…） it has the advantages of friendly interface, flexibility, comprehensive functions, and practicability, which can satisfy the demand of financial management of most small and medium sized(medium-sized) families.
The technologies that involved(删掉that，用applied) in the development of the system included（改为include） Hyper Text Markup Language (HTML) technology for developing static pages, cascading style sheets（首字母大写？） (CSS) technology,（句子之间的连接不妥，后面的考虑改为独立主格结构或者将它们并列。详细说明附后） the more important technologies used(不妥) in the development are that for exploring(exploiting) dynamic pages, such as ASP technology、ACCESS technology etc. FFMS integrated with all the technologies mentioned（该词没错，用noted更适合论文文体） above has the combined functions of attestation（verification） and login of the users, info-management of the users, account query（建议改为inquiry，query一词显得稍“大”, modification, statistics, deleting（这儿的modification。Statistics，deleting排列似乎不妥，显得有点欠明晰）, as well as the financial knowledge learning（for learning） etc（去掉）. It adequately expresses the new mode of modern FFMS（最后一个短句在这略显孤独，改为which 引导的的非限定定语从句）.
Here we（建议不用we，）will introduce the course of design and development of the system aimed at the application of this system combined with the introduction of the difficulties and their relative solutions（relative solution是个什么术语吗？不懂。） encountered during the development course(翻译最后一句可能楼主累了吧。汉语原文有点小问题。. 整句都要小改一下。见后)
Keywords: Financial management（似乎加上家庭为好）, IIS, ASP

附：
1)
The technologies applied in the development of the system include Hyper Text Markup Language for developing static pages，cascading style sheets (CSS) technology, the more important technologies employed in the development being those for exploiting
dynamic pages, such as ASP technology、ACCESS technology etc.

2）“充分体现了现代家庭财务管理的新模式。”汉语也要修改一下吧？楼主也许想说的是“新趋势”？：which reflect the new developent trend of FFMS.

3）现在论文写作有人称化的倾向（我不懂使用那些术语），但是主流似乎还是无人称的居多。最后一段：
This paper provides a detailed description of the research and development process of this system with emphasis on the application of it and an introduction to the difficult technical problems that emerged during the process and the solutions to them.

－－－－－－－－
整体翻译非常到位，只是细枝末节稍有欠缺。
匆忙之中暂作以上修改，不当之处请楼主指正。

The family finance management system design
Summary: Along with the technical development of calculator, the family finance management method heads for science and technology to turn more and more.Managing according to the ASP and the family finance of the ACCESS database technique realization system is a kind of function to manage the system than the stronger information.The traditional finance management method that the development of that system break, the interface of that system amity, vivid, function overall, practical, can satisfy the majority in the request that the small family finance manage.
The development technique apply to in the development process of the system contain the technique of HTML, technique of CSS of the development static state web page, more more fundamental made the most of the dynamic state web page development technique, such as the technique of ASP, the ACCESS technique...etc..The comprehensive above-mentioned all techniques development comes out the family finance management system to have the customer attestation to register, the customer information management, account search, modification, statistics, delete, the finance knowledge study etc. function, full body now new mode that the modern family finance management.
The here will aim at these technical applications detailed introduction that system design development process, meeting in develop process of to of a little bit difficult problem definitely reach agreement the method also will introduce along together.
Keyword: The finance management;IIS;ASP

楼主翻译没有什么大错误, 只是比较中文化. 如果作为产品价绍或者产品说明书什么的, 显然不够地道. 以下是一些建议. 属个人愚见. 希望对楼主有所帮助. 也希望有其他高手更好的意见出来可帮到忙.

1. 摘要, 我认为用Summary会比较好
2. becomes more and more scientific, 我觉得显得比较生硬, scientific总感觉不太到位, 我想改为: is getting more and more technological 会好些.
3. The family financial management system (FFMS) 前几个单词如果软件名字的话, 需要大写各单词首字母
4. based on Active Server page (ASP) 和ACCESS database technology 提到本句开头, 本句意思会更明朗些
5. The exploration of this system breaks… 我想把前面的The exploration of删掉, 因为这篇文章是推介该软件的, 是该软件如何如何会来得直接…
6. it has the advantages of 直接改成一个with
7. which can satisfy the demand of financial management of most small and medium sized families 个人认为将此句前的部份断句了(practicability.) 这一句里, satisfy the demand不太通, 整句话有多余的部分,因本身是财务软件, 我认为不必再提demand of financial management这几个字. 改为: It can meet the demand of most small and medium sized family.
8. (HTML) technology, (CSS) technology, ASP technology、ACCESS technology,
感觉有点罗嗦, 因句首已有technology一词, 建议删去
9. the more important technologies used in the development are that for exploring dynamic pages, such as ASP technology、ACCESS technology etc. 此句前加一and会与前句相关联, and 前后可以是相关联的并列句.
10. FFMS integrated with all the technologies mentioned above has the combined functions of attestation and login of the users, info-management of the users, account query, modification, statistics, deleting, as well as the financial knowledge learning etc.
这样写会更自然, 通顺些: With these technologies, FFMS is comprehensive in attestation and login of the users, info-management of the users, account query, modification, statistics, deleting, as well as the financial knowledge learning.
提一下句末 etc的用法, A. 名词, 名词, 名词, and etc. (最后一个名词后加逗号, 再接and etc). B. 名词, 名词, 名词, and 名词.(如果没有etc, 则倒数第二词后要加逗号). C. as well as 跟 and功能一样, 所以楼主后面加个etc有点多余了 
11. It adequately expresses the new mode of modern FFMS. 中文式的英语, 呵呵. 建议改为: It is absolutely the new FFMS for modern famaliy.
12. 最后一段的course, 改为 process 或procedure, 建议前一个.
13. aimed at 改为 aiming at
14. 最后一段不太好, 我觉得中文意思都不太通, 也不知知怎么翻才好了.

Family financial control system design abstract: Along with the
computer technology development, the family financial control way more
and more moves towards the science and technology. Based on ASP and
the ACCESS data bank technology realization family financial control
system is one usability quite strong information management system.
This system development breaks traditional financial control way, this
system contact surface friendly, nimble, the function comprehensive,
is practical, can satisfy in the majority the small family financial
control request. The development technology applies which in the
system performance history has the development static state homepage
the HTML technology, the CSS technology, what is main fully utilizes
the dynamic homepage development technology, like ASP technology,
ACCESS technology and so on. The synthesis above all technologies
development family financial control system had the user
authentication to register, function and so on user information
management, account inquiry, revision, statistical, deletion,
financial knowledge study, fully has manifested the modern family
financial control new pattern. Here will aim at these technical the
application in detail to introduce this system design performance
history, will meet the difficult question and the solution in the
performance history which will arrive also one and the introduction.

Along with the computer technology development, the family financial control way more and more moves towards the science and technology. Based on ASP and the ACCESS data bank technology realization family financial control system is one usability quite strong information management system. This system development breaks traditional financial control way, this system contact surface friendly, nimble, the function comprehensive, is practical, can satisfy in the majority the small family financial control request. The development technology applies which in the system performance history has the development static state homepage the HTML technology, the CSS technology, what is main fully utilizes the dynamic homepage development technology, like ASP technology, ACCESS technology and so on. The synthesis above all technologies development family financial control system had the user authentication to register, function and so on user information management, account inquiry, revision, statistical, deletion, financial knowledge study, fully has manifested the modern family financial control new pattern. Here will aim at these technical the application in detail to introduce this system design performance history, will meet the difficult question and the solution in the performance history which will arrive also one and the introduction.

保证翻译正确

Abstract:
Along with the development of computer technology, family financial management becomes more and more scientific. The family financial management system (FFMS) is a info-management system with strong practicability based on Active Server page (ASP) 和ACCESS database technology. The exploration of this system breaks through the traditional financial management mode, it has the advantages of friendly interface, flexibility, comprehensive functions, and practicability, which can satisfy the demand of financial management of most small and medium sized families.
The technologies that involved in the development of the system included Hyper Text Markup Language (HTML) technology for developing static pages, cascading style sheets (CSS) technology, the more important technologies used in the development are that for exploring dynamic pages, such as ASP technology、ACCESS technology etc. FFMS integrated with all the technologies mentioned above has the combined functions of attestation and login of the users, info-management of the users, account query, modification, statistics, deleting, as well as the financial knowledge learning etc. It adequately expresses the new mode of modern FFMS.
Here we will introduce the course of design and development of the system aimed at the application of this system combined with the introduction of the difficulties and their relative solutions encountered during the development course.
Keywords: Financial management, IIS, ASP